The short answer: To start, only those people who you want to know.

Coming out isn't something that you do once and then it's over.  You might come out now to your family and later to friends, or the other way around.  You could come out to one parent, or to a brother or sister, and later to the rest of the family.

The people you tell first should be the ones you trust the most.  You need to be able to trust them not to hurt you, to accept you for who you are, and to respect your privacy and not tell anyone you don't want told.

Think about what you could lose by telling a particular person.  If it's a parent, might they kick you out of the house?  Cut you off from your friends?  If it's a friend, are they likely to withdraw from you?  Would they tell other kids in school?  What would happen if they did?

Think also about what you could lose by not telling  a particular person.  Is your relationship with your parents or your friends strained because you're keeping a secret from them?  Would you be closer to them, and be able to get more support from them, if they understood why you were acting withdrawn?

Think about what kinds of things you've been able to share with them in the past and how they reacted?  If there's someone to whom you want to come out, and you aren't sure how they'll react, try to feel them out first.   Get them talking about a book or a movie or a television show about gays.  Use the questions in the Gay Youth-1 under "I feel so alone."  Keep in mind that someone's reaction to a person in a movie might not be the same if that person is their daughter or their brother or their friend.  And it can work both ways-people might seem either more or less prejudiced in a hypothetical or movie-type situation than they would when responding to someone close to them.

For example, because homophobia is so common in our society-and still so widely accepted-a friend or parent might, without thinking, joke about a character in a movie-or might do so because they think you expect that-but show far more thoughtfulness and desire to understand when responding to your coming out.  On the other hand, parents or friends  who seem accepting of characters in the media might be far less accepting of homosexuality in someone close to them.

To get a sense of how someone will react to your being gay, try to keep your questions specific, personal, and thought-provoking.  Say you have  a friend who has an older brother off at college, or in the military.  You could say something like "I've been reading about gay groups on college campuses," or "I've been reading about gays in the military.  Would you be upset if your brother came home and told you he was gay?"  Your friend might surprise you and answer, "My brother is gay."

The short answer:  When you're ready, and with care.

Many teens say that their relationship with their parents was much closer after they came out because it was more honest.  They say it was a relief to feel like they weren't keeping a secret any more.

PFLAG was founded by parents who wanted to support their sons and lesbian daughters-parents who wanted to work with their children for equal rights, and who wanted to welcome their sons' and daughters' lovers into their families.

But it doesn't always work that way.  Some teens who come out to their parents are forced to leave home.  Some parents become abusive.  Some family relationships never recover.

Before you come out to your parents, there are some things for you to consider.

Think about your parents' general reaction to gays.  Find out as much as you can, by observing your parents or asking indirect questions.  Do they have gay friends?  Do they read books or go to movies that include gay relationships?  Is their religion accepting of gays?  Have you heard them say that there's nothing wrong with being gay?

Think about your relationship with your parents.  Have they shown that they love you even when they're upset with you.  Have they stuck by you even when you've done something they didn't like?

Be prepared.  If you had to leave home, do you have a place to stay?  If your parents cut off financial support, do you have someone else whom you can turn?

If your answer to all of these questions is "no" don't come out to your parents until you have a safe place to go to and a way to support yourself.  You'll probably be better off waiting until you're on your own.  You might decide never to tell them, because they wouldn't understand.

If your answer to all of these questions is "yes," then it's probably safe to tell them.

You're the only one who can answer those questions, and weigh the balance of  "yesses" and "nos."  Trust your gut.  It's almost always frightening to coming out to your parents, but if you're terrified about it, you should pay attention to that.  Not all parents will be accepting.

If you decide you can and want to tell your parents, think about how you can make it easiest on them-and on yourself.  Try to think about how they're going to feel, and the questions they may have, so that you're ready for them.  Call a local PFLAG (701-223-7773) chapter and speak to a parent who can talk with you about how your own parent might react.

It will be easiest to talk to your parents when you're feeling good about yourself.  Coming out to your parents will require a lot of strength.  If you're feeling confused, that could increase your parents' confusion and give them less confidence in your judgment.

It will also be best if you pick a time when your parents are relaxed and not pressured by work or family worries.  Otherwise, they may feel they don't have the time to deal with it, and shut you out.

Be prepared for your parents to need some time to accept your being gay-just as you probably needed time yourself.  Remember that your parents are from an older generation-one that was more homophobic than yours.  Even if they're accepting of gays in general, your parents may be shocked at learning that you are gay. They may not want to believe it at first, or they want to try to bring in a psychiatrist to "cure" you.

Before the psychological and psychiatric associations concluded that homosexuality is perfectly normal, there were a lot of theories about how people became gay because of how their parents acted.  Your parents may worry about what your being gay says about them and about whether they failed you in some way-and that worry can come out as anger and defensiveness.

Your parents could also feel that you've rejected them or their way of life by being gay, or that you've somehow ruined their dreams for you.  There's often some of this feeling in all relationships between teens and their parents, as the teen becomes more independent and parents have to let go of the image they have of what their son or daughter will be.  Parents of teens may feel this sense of loss and rejection even more strongly.

Even if they don't have those reactions, your parents are probably going to feel worried about you-about whether this will put you in danger, about whether your life will be happy, about whether you'll have a family of your own.  That can make them want to ignore or deny what you've told them.

They may worry also about how they're going to tell their parents, and friends.  They'll be starting  a coming-out process of their own.

The best thing you can do is be ready with answers-or suggest people with whom they can talk.  The more homework you've done, and the more self-assured you seem, the more you'll convince your parents that you're ready to take responsibility for yourself.  Then they won't worry so much about you.

PFLAG can help a lot with that-with suggested books, videos, and information for you and your parents, and by providing contacts with other families who have gay and lesbian children, or councillors who can help your parents work through their feelings.

And remember-you don't have to come out to both parents at once.  Many teens have talked first to the parent they thought would be more accepting or with whom it was easiest to talk.  Recognize, though, that confiding in only one parent may cause hurt and tension between your parents-hurt because the parent who is not told may feel slighted when he or she finds out, and tension because the parent you talk to will now have the burden of explaining your silence-or of keeping a secret until you are ready to talk to the other parent.  Think it through if you plan to tell just one parent.

Most importantly, make sure that you have other people with whom to talk, because, even when coming out to your parents is relatively easy, it's hard.  The more support you have, the better.

The short answer:  To the first question-probably not.  And to the second-everywhere.

Many teens say they have more straight friends now that they're "out" and that they're a lot happier and more confident since coming out.  It's easier to be close to people when you're not hiding anything and when you're comfortable with yourself.

Some teens, however, have had horrible experiences coming out at school. Particularly in small towns or rural areas, and where there are a lot of people belonging to fundamentalist religions, discrimination against gays is still strong.  And kids can be very cruel, especially when they're  unsure of themselves and are looking for ways to build themselves up.  They can harass you and make your life miserable.  Gay teens have a very high dropout rate because of the way they're treated.  Right now, only one state-Massachusetts-has a law that prohibits discrimination in the public schools based on sexual orientation.

If you want to come out to friends, be careful to trust only friends who will respect your privacy and confidentiality.  Friends who tend to gossip can cause problems, even if they don't mean to hurt you.

Some friends will be supportive right away.  (Both guys and girls say it's generally easier to come out to girls.)  One or two friends might have already guessed that you're gay.  You may find that you already have friends, and didn't know it.

Some friends may need time to adjust to the idea of your being gay.  Some may wonder if coming out to them is a way of coming on to them, and that might make them feel uncomfortable.  Some may wonder, since you're a close friend and you're gay, whether they're too.  Just as you did with your parents, try to think about how each friend is likely to feel, and how you can let them see that you haven't changed.  Just as with your parents offering them some of the books listed in Suggested Reading can help.

Talking to friends about their coming-out experiences can also help.  Finding new friends who are gay is really important-friends who know exactly what you're going through because they've "been there," or are in the process of coming out themselves.

Gay youth organizations are a good place to start, because there you won't have to try to figure out whether another teen is or not (Call Trent at 663-7583 for more information).  Most major cities have youth organizations where you'll be able to meet people easily.  You'll find new friends with whom you can share experiences and support and learn more about yourself.

If you're in a small town or in the country, it may be harder to find groups like these.  In that case, you can meet people through pen pal programs and computer bulletin boards listed at the end of the article. The organizations in the youth resource directory can also help you find more specific groups, such as organizations of gay and lesbian African Americans, Arabs, Asians, or Latinos, or support groups for gay and lesbians with disabilities.

And remember-even if it seems to you that you must be the only gay person at your school, you aren't.  With as much as 10% of the population being gay, there are other students at your school whom you might already know-but not know that they're gay -or whom you might not yet have met.  Gay people joke sometimes about having "gaydar," a type of "radar" for telling who is and isn't gay.  Figuring out who is gay, if they're not completely "out," is like figuring out if someone's interested in you.  Sometimes you can tell, sometimes you can't.  You'll get better at it with experience.

The short answer: Yes.

Many people hold wedding ceremonies to celebrate their commitment to each other and to share their relationship with family and friends.  While only a few religions, and no states, perform or witness these ceremonies, attitudes are beginning to change.  More and more companies, such as Apple Computer, now treat partners like any other married couples, and provide health care coverage for their employees' partners.  President Clinton's Administration has used the words "you and your significant other" instead of  "you and your spouse" in recognition of partners.

Many couples are also raising children together.  Some lesbians have used artificial insemination in order to conceive a child.  Other gays and lesbians, who came out after they'd been involved in heterosexual relationships, are raising the children from those relationships with their partners.  As society's attitudes continue to change, adoption of children by couples will also become more common.  Six states permit adoption by same-sex couples.

And many gays see their friends and the local community as their family.  In most cities, there is a large and close-knit community that offers the same type of love and support we look for from our families.

Obviously, this article cannot ask or answer every question.  But we hope it gives you a place to start.  You don't have to be alone when exploring your sexual identity.  The resources at the end of this article will give you a place to continue-to find information, to find answers, and to find friends.

You'll learn that the best advice is to be yourself.  If you are gay, lesbian, or bisexual, you'll soon find that you have the power to shape and define your coming out-to make it unique for yourself.   While coming out will present you with questions and situations you never faced before, you'll also find great joy in this journey of discovery.

For information, the first place to call is the local PFLAG at 701-223-7773 in Bismarck, ND or use the numbers below.

Toll Free hotlines

• Boston Alliance of Gay and Lesbian Youth (BAGLY), 1-800-42-BAGLY.  24-hour recorded information line.
• Out Youth Austin, 1-800-96-YOUTH.  Daily, 5:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., Central Time.  One-on-one peer counseling.

If you've left home, are thinking of leaving, or if your parents are threatening to throw you out:

• Covenant House, 1-800-999-9999.  24-hour hotline.
• National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-621-4000. 24-hour hotline.
• Trevor Helpline (gay/lesbian youth): 1-800-850-8078.
• You can also check your phone book for local crisis hotlines or call Trent at 663-7583.

• PFLAG's Web address is http://www/pflag.org
• PFLAG's E-Mail Address is info@pflag.org
• If you subscribe to a commercial computer network such as American OnLine or CompuServe, you can access bulletin board or real time conferencing.
• The Queer Resource Directory (QRD) is an electronic research library dedicated to information for and about sexual minorities.  QRD can be accessed through the Internet at "qrdstaff@vector.casti.com."

To write to another teenager:

• International Pen Pal Program for Youth, P.O. Box 20716, Indianapolis, IN  46220.
• Lambda Youth Network, P.O. Box 7911, Culver City, Ca  90233, 23- years old and younger.
• Pen Pal Scheme-International Lesbian and Gay Youth Organizations, P.O. Box 542, NL-100 AM Amsterdam, Netherlands, 26-years old and under.
• The Pen  Pal Program, Youth Outreach, L.A. Gay & Lesbian Community Services Center, 1625 North Hudson Ave,;  Los Angeles, CA 90029.

For HIV/AIDS information:

• National AIDS Hotline, 1-800-342-AIDS.  24-hour hotline.
• National AIDS Hotline (Spanish), 1-800-344-7432.  24-hour hotline.
• National AIDS Hotline (TDD), 1-800-243-7889.  24-hour hotline.
• You can also check your phone book for local HIV/AIDS helplines, clinics and organizations.

Organizations

• Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), 1101 14th St., N.W. Suite 1030, Washington, DC 20005.  Call 202-638-4200 for a PFLAG near you.  In Central North Dakota, call 223-7773.
• National Youth Advocacy Coalition and the Bridges Project, 1711 Connecticut Avenue, N.W., Suite 206, Washington, D.C. 20009. (202) 319-7596.  The Advocacy Coalition sponsored by the Hetrick Martin Institute, addresses public policy issues related to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered youth through the collaboration of a broad spectrum of national and community-based organizations.  NYAC's Bridges Project, originally established by the Americans Friends Service Committee, provides information, resources and assistance to g/l/b/t youth, and their adult allies nationwide.

There are nearly 400 organizations that provide services specifically for gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth.  The following are a sample of what is available, and many provide referrals for locating organizations in your area.

• Boston Alliance of Gay and Lesbian Youth  (BAGLY), P.O. Box 814, Boston, MA 02103.  BAGLY maintains a toll-free information line and offers weekly support and socializing programs.
• Delta Youth Alliance, c/o Gay and Lesbian Community Service of Central Florida, 714 East Colonial Dr. Orlando, FL 32803.  (407) 425-2624.
• Gay and Lesbian Community Center, P.O. Drawer 18E, Denver, CO 80218.  (303) 831-6268.  The Center offers support groups for youth and an afternoon program.  Youth crisis line: (303) 461-1650.
• Hetrick-Martin Institute, 2 Astor Place, 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10003. (212) 674-2400.  Hedrick-Martin is a social service and advocacy group for gay, lesbian, bisexual and runaway youth.  Publishes "You Are Not Alone," an annual directory of gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth organizations.
• Indianapolis Youth Group, P.O. 20716, Indianapolis, IN 46220. IYG offers support groups, peer counseling, and social activities, and a pen pal program.

Local Support (Central North Dakota-Bismarck/Mandan)

• PFLAG Central Dakota, P.O. Box 2491, Bismarck, ND  58502-2491.  (701) 223-7773.  PFLAG meets on the fourth Monday of every month, except May and December, at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church, 2nd Street and Thayer Avenue.
• Teen Support Group (GLBT) meets on Thursday's at 6:30 p.m. Call Trent at 663-7583 for more information.