The ambivalence you may feel is a product of our culture.  Homophobia is too pervasive in our society to be banished easily from our consciousness.  As long as homophobia exists in our society, any person and any parent of a gay or lesbian child has some very real and legitimate fears and concerns.

Many parents may confront another source of guilt.  Parents who see they have put sexual prejudice behind them-even those who have gay friends-are sometimes stunned to recognize that they are uncomfortable when it's their kid who's gay.  These parents not only have to grapple with deep-rooted fears of homosexuality, but also have the added burden of thinking they shouldn't feel the way they do.

It helps to concentrate on real concerns: what your child needs most from you now.  Try not to focus on the guilt.  It's baseless, and it accomplishes nothing for yourself or for your child.

Consulting a therapist in the hopes of changing your child's sexual orientation is pointless.  Homosexuality is not a disease to be "cured."  In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its list of abnormalities.  Homosexuality is a natural way of being.

Because homosexuality is not "chosen," you cannot "change your child's mind."  The American Psychological Association and the American Medical Association have taken the official position that it would be unethical to even try to change the sexual orientation of a person.

But there are situations in which consulting people experienced with family issues and homosexuality can be helpful.  You may want to talk to someone about your own feelings and how to work through them.  You may feel that you and your child need help communicating clearly through this period.  Or you may recognize that your child is unhappy and need help with self-acceptance.  Once again, people often have trouble accepting themselves and their sexual identify.  In this circumstance self-rejection could be a dangerous emotional state.

In all of these cases, you have a number of options and resources.  PFLAG members, either individually or in meetings can provide you with the information, space and resources you may need to build a stronger relationship with your child.

A therapist can also provide the confidentiality and, to a degree, the anonymity that you may feel you need at first.  PFLAG members may be able to suggest a therapist that has helped their families.

There are many options for help, information and advice.  We encourage you to explore your options and to use the resources best suited for your and your family.  Please refer to Suggested Reading in this website.

All of  these things are possible.  It depends on where your son or daughter lives, what kind of job he or she takes, how he or she acts.  But attitudes toward homosexuality have begun to change, and are now changing relatively quickly.  There are many places where your child can live and work relatively free of discrimination.

Unfortunately, societal change is always slow-just look at how long it took this country to get voting rights for women.  Progress is often also accompanied by backlash.  Until more individuals and more organizations become advocates for rights, until homophobia is eradicated in our society, your child does face significant challenges.

For some parents, this may be the most difficult issue to face.  For others, it's a non-issue.

It is true that some religions continue to condemn homosexuality.  Even within these religions, however, there are generally respected leaders who believe that their church's position of condemnation is unconscionable.

Many mainstream American religions have now taken official stands in support of rights.  Some have gone further.  The Methodist Church, for example, has developed a network of reconciling congregations welcoming homosexuals.  The United Church of Christ since 1991 has had a denominational policy stating that sexual orientation should not be a bar to ordination.  In the Episcopal Church, the denomination's legislative body has declared that people have a full and equal claim with all other people upon the church.  In their 1994 draft of new pastoral guidelines, the U.S. Episcopal bishops wrote, "As it can be for heterosexual person, the experience of steadfast love can be for homosexual person an experience with God."

You will still hear people quote the Bible in defense of their prejudice against people.  But there are other Biblical scholars who dispute any anti-gay interpretations of Biblical texts.

The Suggested Reading and Religion Index of this website cite references that can help you learn more about changing religious attitudes toward homosexuality.  PFLAG can help refer you to information and listings specific to your religion.

While at first AIDS spread fastest among and bisexual gay men, and drug users who shared needles, all people and communities now face the threat of AIDS.

Therefore, every parent needs to be concerned about AIDS-whether your child is gay or straight.  You should make sure your child understands how AIDS is transmitted and how to protect him or herself.

With teenagers becoming sexually active at younger ages, and with AIDS still spreading, no parent can afford to ignore the danger, or assume his or her child is safe.

If your child is already HIV-positive or has AIDS, he or she now needs your support more than ever.  You should know that you are not alone.  There are numerous organizations that can help you with medical, psychological and physical care.  PFLAG has organized a Family Aids Support Network to put you in touch with parents and families in similar situations, and resources specific to your needs. Call the national office for a contact near you.  At this point, your relationship with your child can become even closer but your family will have to learn to adjust to the physical and emotional circumstances of your child's changing health.

Lesbians, gay men and bisexuals are often accused of "flaunting" their sexuality when they "come out" as gay, when they are publicly affectionate with a same-sex partner, or when they wear symbols and t-shirts or participate in parades.

In a world that still assumes all people are heterosexual, "coming out" is the only way gay, lesbian and bisexual people can make their sexual orientation known.  Coming out is often considered a positive way to avoid societal invisibility that can lead to internalized self-hate or lack of self-esteem.

You may be uncomfortable with your child's public displays of affections with his or her partner.  Remember that all couples-straight and gay-often show affection publicly because they feel love and appreciation for their partner.  Stop and think-are you as uneasy about heterosexuals showing affection in public?

In these two instances, "flaunting it" may only be behaving in a relaxed, natural fashion in public.  In other circumstances, it may be a political decision to assert one's sexuality by wearing a t-shirt or participating in a public event.  In cultures that either ignore homosexuality or deride it, stressing one's sexuality publicly can be an important act of self-affirmation.

If you worry about possible negative reactions to any behavior that identifies your child as gay, keep in mind that many gay men, bisexuals and lesbians will, of course, censor their own behavior because they share those fears.  But it is up to your child to make those decisions for him or herself.

Just as coming out is difficult for people, the coming-out process is equally difficult for parents who often go right into the closet.  Parents who are still struggling with accepting their child's sexual orientation often worry about other people finding out.  You will now probably have to field questions, "Has he got a girlfriend?" "So when is she going to get married?"

Many of us found that our fears were far worse than the reality.  Some of us held off for years in telling our own parents only to have them respond, "We knew that quite a while ago."

Our advice to you is the same advice we give to gay and lesbian individuals.  Learn more about the origins of sexual orientation and about the changing thinking within medical, psychiatric, religious, professional, and political circles.  There are plenty of "authorities" you can quote as allies in defense of equal rights for people.

Practice what you would say just like you might practice for a public speaking engagement, for a job interview, for being assertive, or for anything new to you that makes you afraid or nervous.  One parent says, "I used to go in the bathroom and close the door and practice saying to the mirror, 'I have a lesbian daughter' and saying it with pride.  And it helped.  But you really do have to practice."

Talk to people who understand your concerns.  PFLAG members may be helpful to you in discussing their own experiences.  Contact the national office or a local PFLAG leader to learn more about PFLAG's extensive network.

Most likely, you will get some negative or, at the least, insensitive comments from relatives, friends or co-workers.  But you'll probably find that those comments are fewer than you now fear.

Remember that your child has been down this road already.  He or she may even be able to help.

Remember also that who you tell about your child's sexuality should be a decision that both of you discuss and reach together.

This could be a very real concern, especially for families who consider themselves part of a close community or in regions where fundamentalist religions are strong.

Lesbians, gay men and bisexual people however, come from families from all corners of the earth, from every culture, religion, ethnic group, and occupation.  One parent says, "I swear to God I thought I was the only mother in Tulsa Oklahoma who had a lesbian daughter.  And then, as I started speaking out on the issue, other parents started coming forward.  And by now, every time someone says to me, 'Nancy, I need to talk to you,' I know exactly what's coming up."

Again, you may well encounter reactions that are difficult to take.  More often, however, PFLAG members encounter reactions of "And I thought I was the only one."

As a parent, you have to take care of yourself and your child.  PFLAG is here to help you with your individual needs so that you can be an even better parent.

Reading this is the first step to supporting your child-you have shown that you are open to new information and hopefully you are now better informed.  Supporting your child now should be a natural extension of your general support as a parent: we need to talk, listen, and learn together.

Every child needs different things from his or her parents.  It is up to you to learn how to communicate with him or her about his or her needs and issues surrounding sexuality.

Some parents find that they are better able to understand and support their child by recognizing the similarities and differences in your own experiences.  In some cases it may help to talk about how you dealt with hurtful incidents.  In other cases however, you must recognize that sexual discrimination is hurtful in a unique way.  Here, you can support your child by educating yourself as thoroughly as possible about homosexuality, and by helping to bring it out of hiding in our society.  It's the hiding that allows the prejudice and discrimination to survive.