Stepping Into the Light

The closet door has drifted open.  Light is pouring in, and you find yourself energized by the liberation of telling trusted family, friends, and coworkers.  You may, however, feel wary about stepping into your community.  You may like the glimpse of freedom you get while standing in the doorway, but you also may enjoy the comfort of the remaining three walls of the closet.  The important thing to remember is, the door is open.  You can now choose how long you want to remain inside.

Many people, after edging a  little way out of the closet by listening to or being a part of a discussion at a PFLAG meeting or speaking out to close family, friends, begin to tiptoe out of the closet and address the community around them--at work, at the supermarket, at the health club, at the bank.  They do this in a variety of ways--by wearing a button, or putting a bumper sticker on their car.  Or they become leaders or volunteers with their local PFLAG chapter.  They, in fact, assume roles they never thought they would--as educators about gays, lesbian and bisexual people.

Buttons and Pins

Your tools for becoming an educator don't have to be books or statistics.  Some of our best educators have reached out to their communities in simple but effective ways!

"I wear a button," says Francine Helfman of Schenectady, NY.  "It says, 'homophobia hurts families,'  It gives a very stark message.  People without exception really look at it, and when they ask me 'why are you wearing this?" I say, 'Because I think this message is true...and I'm wearing this because I have five children, and the youngest of my five children is a lesbian.  And this child of mine lacks the same protections under the Constitution that my other children have automatically.'  Sometimes people don't say anything, sometimes, it's wonderful and sometimes it's sad.  The button evokes all kinds of stories..."

Maryilyn Cooper of New York had a similar experiences at the supermarket.  "After making my purchases, I stood in line, waiting to be checked out.  As I approached my checkout clerk, I whipped out my pink and blue card (the Visa card that contributes a percentage of purchases to lesbian, gay and bisexual organizations).  The next remark I heard was 'That's really cute, where did you get it?"  Of course that gave me an opportunity to expound on the virtues of Clout and how important it is to support the gay and lesbian community in every way.  The clerk and I talked on and I realized that the line was rapidly growing.  I didn't care, as I wanted everyone to hear this fabulous conversation that was taking place between two strangers.  Afterwards we parted, both of us richer in what just occurred."

Getting Involved as a PFLAG Leader

Many family member and friends of lesbian, gay and bisexual people turn to PFLAG for the support they need to understand their loved one, to understand homophobia's effect on him or her and on society, and to develop a new perspective on having a lesbian, gay or bisexual family member or friend.  And once they work through the process, they realize they need to continue the journey and become involved in PFLAG as chapter leaders, helpline volunteers, or project coordinators.  Some even start their own chapters.

Ken Markart of Victorial, Texas has worked hard to form a PFLAG chapter in Victoria, a small conservative Texas town about 125 miles from Houston.  When his teenage son came out to him Ken and his wife "moved fairly quickly" through their acceptance process, and joined PFLAG's Houston's chapter.  They also held a couple of informal support group sessions in their home, but decided "the only way to really do this right is affiliate with someone, and PFLAG was the obvious choice."  Meetings of PFLAG Victoria began with four people, but have grown to include as many as 20 or more.  "Every month we get two or three new people--that's been pretty consistent," says Ken.  And so far, chapter meetings have been promoted exclusively through word of mouth.  Ken and his wife did their homework--handing out newsletters, cards and other information to area churches and community groups.

Kim Campbee began her own PFLAG chapter when she realized that more needed to be done to reach out to African-American families.  She had been involved with PFLAG while living in California, but became aware of potential cultural barriers after attending several PFLAG meetings on Chicago's North Side.  "People would ask me why I thought more African-American people didn't attend meetings."

"I think the reason that black families were not active in the group is, number one, they simply did not know the organization existed.  They are not seeing materials to tell them the organization exists."

Times of meetings seemed to be a barrier to attendance of African-American families and friends.  "If you are holding a meeting at 2 PM on the North Side," says Kim, "it's going to be difficult for black families getting out of church on the South Side at 1:30 to go to the meetings!  Topping that off with the anxiety of crossing over into historically racial boundaries, I realized we needed to start a chapter on Chicago's South Side."

Patricia Neale concurs that cultural heritage may make educational efforts more challenging.  "David (my son) and I are African-Americans.  Most African-Americans are strongly influenced by the Black church.  In times of slavery, it was the church that kept us together.  The teachings of the bible were passed down through generations, and still are, and one of its teachings is that homosexuality is an abomination...unfortunately many African-Americans still hold this view today.  The major impetus for getting involved with PFLAG was to try to educate people about the nature of homosexuality and, more importantly, to make things better for my son..."

Anger and Awakenings

For some, stepping out of the closet slowly isn't an option; swinging the door open is a calling.  They've had a revelation--they're angry!  They can no longer tolerate the lies, myths and hate that are perpetuated by a misinformed and fearful society.  They must take action.

"I have been coming out of the closet for the past 6 1/2 years," says Susan Berland.  "Things had begun to crystallize for me...Reading about parents who reject their children for being gay makes me feel very sad.  Reading about the religious right and some politicians and their message of bigotry and hate makes me angry.  Reading about parents who love and support their children touches my heart and makes me cry.  I do want to do something."

Jim Pines of Washington, D.C. recalls the turning point in his coming out process: "Though I went through the usual denial, grieving, and other stages so familiar to parents, a healthier reaction soon dominated my responses.  The fierceness of it astonished me.  The way I had always pictured for example, a lion defending cubs against a hunter, I found myself enraged that some people might attack my son, verbally or even physically, for something as unobjectionable as his sexual orientation."

Cleo Hepworth of PFLAG Spokane gained similar insight.  "I learned that homophobic individuals can drive our family members and friends to consider suicide, and in many instances homophobic people have murdered people for no other reason than the victims' sexuality.  Because I have learned to understand and care about people and have become aware of the injustice society has imposed on them, I feel compelled to speak out and attempt to educate others so they may not turn on their family members and friends should they learn that their loved ones are gay.  Now, instead of asking myself what will 'they' think or say, my question is always 'Is it the right thing to do?"  I have found a wonderful new freedom."

Rhea Murray of Seymour, Indiana had a profound revelation.  "My spiritual moment came when God said to me that the reason I was in so much pain was because I was putting the negative images I had about gays on my son, and they didn't fit.  From that moment on I no longer had pain about Bruce being gay.  I knew I needed to be better educated, but reading books wasn't enough.  I had to experience people.  So that's when I forced myself to leave Seymour and network in Bloomington, Indianapolis, and Louisville, where I met a lot of fascinating people.  The more I heard from their stories and experienced them, the more I realized another coming out was involved.  It was more painful than my son coming out.  It was like awakening.  I could see injustice.  I could feel their pain.  And I knew I could never live with myself if I stayed silent.  And I knew where this was going to take me..."

From Anger to Action

You've left the closet, and the door is slammed shut behind you.  There's no where to be except out.  You are educating your community with the truth about your lesbian, gay or bisexual family member or friend.  But you realize there's a bigger job to tackle.  You realize that as a result of myth and misperception about lesbian, gay and bisexual people, they are denied equal societal acceptance that non- people take for granted.  More typically, they are denied equal civil rights.  In ever state but California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Vermont and the District of Columbia, gay and lesbian Americans are denied the legal guarantee of housing and employment simply because of their sexual orientation.

You want things to change!

Creating change in our society is not easy.  We as a society are uncomfortable with those who are different from ourselves.  And we're uncomfortable with change.

This makes creating change in the world for lesbians, gays and bisexual members and friends seem like an incredibly daunting task.  In much of "mainstream" society, commonly held myths and misperception lead to society to believe that gay, lesbian and bisexual people are profoundly different from the rest of the world.  That perceived difference creates discomfort, and results in a society unwilling to consider different ways of thinking about people--of acknowledging and appreciating differences, and realizing similarities.

Family members and friends of lesbian, gay and bisexual people have a unique opportunity to serve as bridge-building communicators of information about lesbian, gay and bisexual people--to be activists in the quest for equality and justice for their families.

"Our kids have really been survivors, and they've been tested at a very early age," says Francine Helfman.  "So I think it's not enough to just be accepting of your own kid.  I think you have to be an educator and I think you have to be an advocate.  And I like to think that you should be political as well, and get in touch with those people who can directly affect the lives of our children."

Kurt Olson is an Episcopal minister in Chicago, Illinois.  His son is gay, and he is a PFLAG leader who is active on many equal rights issues.  "I believe if we continue to focus solely on just being supportive, then equal rights for gay, lesbian, and bisexual people will not only be greatly endangered, but will evaporate."

Ann Chapman lives in a small Texas town and became an activist within PFLAG because a very dear fried who is gay.  She considers herself a "straight activist."  In a letter she wrote to a Houston newspaper columnist about coverage of a conference on homophobia, Ann wrote: "Many PFLAG members are anxious to move onto a more active advocacy role.  My friend Clay is in a committed relationship, as are many of my friends; therefore civil rights and legislation are passionate concerns for me.  I spent the sixties changing diapers, and I guess I have a lot of guilt over not marching.  I'm ready to make up for that..."

Robb Forman Dew, of Williamstown, Massachusetts, became angered after watching the hate speech from the 1992 Republican National Convention.  "We were watching the Convention, and after Pat Buchanan gave his speech, I was in tears.  I felt as if I had been beaten up.  Then I got mad.  No one should get to say all that he did and not be answered in some way.  And I wanted to figure out how to handle my rage in a way that would be constructive.  The consequence of that hate-filled convention for me and my family was the process of writing the book The Family Heart: A Memoir of When Our Son Came Out (Ballentine Paper)."

Vickie Seichik of New York City got her revelations while making her inspiring video documentary, Queer Son.  "When I started working on the film it put me in contact with a lot of gay and lesbian people and their parents.  I also was interviewing parents who were advocates who were angry, and were working, which gave me an understanding that there was a whole different way of seeing whose problem this was.  It was not our children's problem, it was our problem..."

Queer Son is a video by a parent about parents and addresses the issue of parents trying to learn and understand their children's homosexuality.  The video portrays the next step in a coming out process--the parent's coming out--marching alongside of their children in the fight for equal rights for lesbian and gay people.  "The video is a celebration of our children," says Vickie.

"Equal rights is not a pie," says Kim Campbell.  "There is not a finite number of pieces.  Everyone deserves equal rights all of the time."

What? Me an Activist?

Activism can take place in many forms, but it is always about making your voice heard in the quest for equal rights.  You can halt the anti-gay joke and use the opportunity to educate people with the truth.  You can monitor the media and make sure they know how you feel when they address gay, lesbian or bisexual people--through letters to the editor, phone calls, or in-person meetings.  You can appear on radio and talk show interviews to respond to current issues facing lesbian, gay and bisexual people and their family members and friends.  You can participate in rallies, or march in parades.  You can make personal visits to your elected officials, to hold them accountable for making sure our country is safe and equal place for lesbian, gay, and bisexual people.  Whatever path to activism you choose, becoming involved with PFLAG opens the door to the resources to help you speak out.