Advocacy can take as many forms and levels of involvement as there are different kinds of people, personalities, communities and relationships.  'That's my kid you're talking about,' is the first shot fired in this struggle for compassion and understanding."
--Kurt Olson, father of gay son

Introduction

You have a son, daughter, brother, sister or friend.  You have moved through your acceptance process and learned that your anxieties about having a lesbian, gay or bisexual loved one were a direct result of being socialized to believe that it was morally and/or psychologically wrong to be gay, lesbian or bisexual.  You understand that myths and lies are being perpetuated about your friends and family members, and you want to do something about it.  Where do you start?

What is your next step?

Your next step probably will involve a "coming out" process for you.  We know that when lesbian, gay and bisexual people come out, families and friends may go right into the closet.  But we also know that a growing anti- climate has inspired many PFLAG members to "come out" themselves, and "speak out" on behalf of their family and friends.   Taking an active role in telling the truth about lesbian, gay and bisexual people involves a broad spectrum and varying degrees of being "out."  You will see that education, activism and advocacy can take on may forms.

And, just like your lesbian, gay and bisexual family members and friends, your coming out process is an intensely personal one.  You will come out to whom you choose, when you choose, how you choose.  You will decide for yourself just how "out" you are willing to be.  And you will decide for yourself the best way to be involved in spreading the truth about your loved ones.  Your process may reveal more clearly to you the stifling nature of the closet, enabling you to understand the pain and anxiety endured by lesbians, gay and bisexual friends and family members.  You also may understand for the first time the joy of being liberated from the closet and forming honest relationships.

The families and friends in this publication have taken a variety of "next steps," like telling a friend or family member, providing support and insight to another parent at a PFLAG meeting, wearing a gay-positive button to the supermarket, or lobbying their state and federal legislators.  Each action, however great or small, has tremendous significance.  Each action a declaration that families and friends are taking a stand-in whatever capacity is right for them-against ignorance, myths, bigotry and discrimination.  Each action brings our society one step closer to being more informed about lesbians, gays and bisexual people, which one day will lead to social and political equality of all people, including those who are lesbian, gay and bisexual.

Stories From the Closet

"I had accepted David, but I had not affirmed him.  I was still embarrassed and ashamed to admit to others that I had a gay son."
--Mike--Penn--Strah

"The closet" has long been associated as a place where lesbian, gay and bisexual people "dwell" before they come to terms with who they are and begin sharing their lives openly with family, friends and colleagues.  The closet is a construction of a society that has taught us to believe that being gay is inherently wrong.  Gay, lesbian and bisexual people don't go "into the closet"--the closet's confining walls are built around them as they evolve into adolescence and adult society.

Lesbian, gay men and bisexual people choose to remain within these walls built around them not only because they fear rejection but because they are trying to protect loved ones from being hurt by negative feelings about homosexuality.  When gay and lesbian people come out of the closet, they take responsibility for themselves, and allow those they have protected to take responsibility as well.

You may know first-hand of the closet's stifling and demoralizing nature.  You may have crawled right into the closet that was vacated by your lesbian, gay or bisexual family member or friend.  And you may be able to discover how the closet, while appearing to maintain family systems and relationships with its seemingly protective walls, is in fact a place of secrets and lies which divide, separate, and alienate people who love one another.

Rhea and Butch Murray know this.  When their son Bruce came out to them as a 14-year old, they knew they wanted to be supportive, but "We definitely initially went into the closet," Rhea says.  "It created distance between my mother and my father and my closest friends.  We didn't want to leave the house.  Everyday conversations were a nightmare because no matter how hard you try to avoid the topic it's always there.  People always will ask 'is your son dating now, is he seeing any girls?'  And then you are either forced to out yourself or lie and conceal.  I've always had strong values about lying.  My children always knew the worst infractions they could do was lie.  Slowly my whole life was becoming a lie and I thought 'how could I want this for my son?'  It affected every area of my life.  Nothing was enjoyable anymore and I felt smothered!"

Sarah Patterson of Indianapolis relays a similar experience.  "We often had to watch what we said, answer questions carefully-all of those problems arose because we were mostly in the closet..."

Kim Campbell of Chicago, Illinois also knows the burden of being in the closet herself.  Her husband's brother, who was also a lifelong friend, came "out" to others, Kim respected his situation and remained in the closet by not telling her family and friends.  "I was feeling a lot of pressure holding such a secret," she says. "I felt as if I was lying to other people that both my brother-in law and I loved--other family members.  When they would ask me about my brother-in-law's social life, all I could say was I didn't know."

Mike Penn-Strah, a minister from Pittsburgh, also admits to entering the closet as his son David became more open about being gay.  "I did not realize that I had slipped into a closet.  As David grew older, I spoke less and less about him to members of my congregation.  To my shame and horror, I began to realize why-I didn't want anyone to ask what I considered an embarrassing question about whom David was dating, what he was involved in on campus, etc., which would cause me to lie or admit he was gay.  I had accepted David, but I not affirmed him.  I was still embarrassed and ashamed to admit to others that I had a gay son."

Sally Morse from Wichita Kansas offers powerful insight on living in the closet.  "Keeping secrets is a terrible way to live, " she says.  "It destroys lives, and it destroys families."

PFLAG 101

"My life has been enriched by the people I've met through PFLAG, and I no longer live in a closet."
--Sarah Patterson, PFLAG Indianapolis

Many were able to get a glimpse of life outside the closet through PFLAG.  It is at PFLAG support group meetings that parents, family members and friends can share their experiences of having a loved one, and be honest about the joys and the pains of their evolving relationships.

PFLAG meetings usually feature a diverse and lively mix of people who have sought out PFLAG for a variety of reasons--some have difficulty accepting their lesbian, gay or bisexual family members or friends; some are interested in working for equal rights for their lesbian, gay or bisexual friend for family members; and some are lesbian, gay or bisexual people who attend to receive support from "surrogate" families, or help those families through their process.  "I do not understand how or why, but I believe that there is magic in group sharing," says PFLAG Phoenix chapter president Bunny Tarquinio.  "People make progress no matter how little, or how long it takes.  People can move from denial to unconditional love and pride by attending PFLAG meetings.   I have seen it happen over and over again.

Many parents, while understanding their children, find PFLAG meetings refreshing safe spaces where they can proudly share their joys about their gay and lesbian children without reproach or confrontation from an often hostile mainstream climate.  Sharing at PFLAG meetings can be an important first step out of the closet.

Bunny Tarquinio says, "A friend asked me to invite his mother to a PFLAG meeting.  The request surprised me because this man has been out to his family for many years and has an excellent relationship with them.  So why do you want your mother to attend a PFLAG meeting?' I asked.  His reply was, 'So she would have someone to talk to.' I knew he meant someone she could talk to who also had a gay child....someone who would understand her feeling...a sense of kinship that comes from shared experiences."

Carol Carwell of PFLAG Spokane says, "PFLAG is a wondrous happening and I feel so lucky to be where I can be involved in sincere and honest give and take.  I was apprehensive about attending my first PFLAG meeting and found the room filled with 'real' people.  No matter their reason for being at the meeting, each one was open and truthful about being scared or shy or skeptical or comfortable.  I never felt so at home in a group."

"I have met many wonderful folks through PFLAG," says PFLAG Oakland East Bay chapter member Toni Taillac.  "Through my public speaking I have touched others' lives, and, as is so often the case, they in turn have touched mine.  I always felt I received more than I gave."

So whether you are having difficulties with your knowledge about your lesbian, gay or bisexual family member or friend; are exploring ways to "come out of the closet" yourself; are interested in public education and advocacy, or just want to share your experiences, PFLAG has a place for you.  More than 50,000 members think so, too!  PFLAG has more than 400 chapters around the country, so chances are there is a chapter near you.

Coming Out of the Dark.

"Why did I come out?  I just got tired of skirting around the issue.  I did it because I could no longer deal with the questions that were being asked without being honest.  I did it for myself...The truly surprising thing is that we have lots more friends and support now than ever before.  Coming out comes from a deep, deep place inside yourself.  It is an ongoing process."
--Cherie Garland, Oregon

Simply attending a PFLAG meeting can be the first steps out of the closet for many family members and friends of lesbian, gay and bisexual.  For many, that may be the only stop possible for quite awhile.  For others, the liberation of speaking out or listening at a PFLAG meeting inspires them to take the courageous step to talk to people outside PFLAG meetings--sometimes to close family and friends.  And sometimes to colleagues or co-workers.  Mike Penn-Strah of PFLAG Pittsburgh said, "The support I received from PFLAG enabled me to come out to my congregation!"  Sometimes coming out is planned and rehearsed, and other times the need to come out can be spontaneous.

Coming out as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person is a very personal process, and so is coming out as the family member of a lesbian, gay and bisexual person.  It is important to respect the privacy of your family member or friend, even in your own coming out process.  Your attending a PFLAG meeting may not be threatening to your family member or friend, but talking outside PFLAG meetings may concern him or her.  Make sure that your family member or friend feels comfortable with the idea of you discussing his or her sexual orientation with someone else. Lesbian, gay and bisexual people do have to be concerned with job, housing or other types of discrimination, so make sure you have been clear in your communication about what both of your needs and limitations are.  Once you do, the process can be an exhilarating adventure.

Candace Steele of Oregon says "I remember my first coming out very clearly.  I was working part time and going to school part time to finish my counseling degree at a Catholic university.  A panel of students started quoting scripture and condemning the speakers.  I found myself speaking up and saying, 'my child is gay, I love her and I have a lot to learn.'  I was shocked because I had planned to sit in the corner and hide.  But at the same time there was a definite sense of 'whew! it's finally out in the open.'  I was amazed at the support I got from most of the other students.  It took away a tremendous load I'd been carrying around."

Many are inspired to come out by the courage shown by their lesbian, gay and bisexual family member or friend when he or she came out.  Barbara Logan of PFLAG's Denver chapter says, "My son and I are close in a way we never could be if he had stayed in the closet.  His courage in coming out has helped me acquire the courage to do likewise.  I'm so glad that I can now open my closet and say with joy, 'Yes, I have a wonderful son.  I'm proud of him and I love him very much.'"

Vickie Seitchik of New York City decided to come out herself to confirm what many other family members and friends had suspected about her son Mark.  "I just had to because I needed to share who Mark was, and most of us had felt he probably was gay, so telling them was probably just a confirmation of what we all had been feeling."

"I refused to be silent about our relatives or gay and lesbian issues," says Bunny Tarquinio.  "I know some family members are uncomfortable when the topic surfaces, but that is their problem.  I will continue to discuss issues that are important to me and my family."

One thing is certain--coming out is a process--an ongoing one and, probably, a lifelong one.  There is no right or wrong way to come out.  You can't control how others will react to the information you are sharing--you can only control your response to their reactions--be they positive or negative.

You can, also experience the exhilaration of living honestly and openly, and of expressing your pride in your lesbian, gay and bisexual family member of friend.

OBSTACLES MAY HAPPEN

Exhilaration from stepping out of the closet can be wonderful!   And though family members and friends of lesbian, gay and bisexual people may tell you it is empowering to come out of the closet, it's not always easy.  Society's anti-gay climate may bring about legitimate fears of rejection or judgment.  Linda Burns of Missouri has a brother who's gay, and she and her mother serve as President and Vise President of a PFLAG chapter in their town.  But she's cautious about who she tells about her brother or her PFLAG activities.  "At work it's still scary," says Linda.  "I just don't know if I want to let them know I have a family member.  I'm afraid of losing approval of people I work with.  And I  am closeted in certain situations, I understand what it has been like for my brother!"

Karen Solon of Washington, D.C. is a non- advocate for all social justice issues.  A child care professional, Karen has remained committed to educating children and their parents about the importance of being open-minded about people who appear to be different.  While on an overnight child-care conference trip, she decided to take a pride T-shirt with her to wear.  "I hid it in my suitcase," she says.  "I wanted to wear it to our interfaith morning service, but I didn't want to be in-your face with my weekend roommate, who was a neighbor, a friend, and a colleague.  And I finally got the nerve to put the T-shirt on.  It was really a little scary.  I was afraid of getting rejected, so when I asked her if she thought I could wear it, she said 'oh, I have a brother...' It was just another ironic example of  'come out, come out, it's a good idea!'"

However, because of our society's virulent homophobia, reactions to you as a friend or relative of someone who is can be as prejudiced and as ignorant as reactions toward lesbian, gay and bisexual people themselves.  As a result of Karen Solon's commitment to education of children about lesbian, gay and bisexual people, Karen had a job offer withdrawn from her.

Negative reactions may even come from those we love most.  Sally Morse of Wichita, Kansas was raised in the Mormon faith.  Her mother was a devout follower of the faith, and when Sally told her mother that her son Sean was gay, her mother was unable to respond supportively.  "I believe I will never have another conversation with my mother," says Sally.

But despite negative reactions from certain people, coming out as family members or friends of a lesbian and gay person can present opportunities for liberation and growth.  "I cared a lot about what people thought," said Sally Morse.  "But Sean's coming out gave me much more courage.  My coming out helped me find myself.  I know who I am...and the more I told people, the more I wanted to tell others."

"And," Sally says, "coming out is easier the next time you do it!"